i guess quarter-life crisis is back in the menu
i'm not feeling it lately. it's not that i don't want to make stuff, more like it feels completely worthless. i've been unemployed since january, and it has been hell for my mental health. to long-standing issues now gotta add a feeling of complete irrelevancy, both socially and achievement-wise.
> social relationships
a few years ago i streamed regularly on twitch, gathering a small community formed by old mutuals and new frens that were meeting along the way. it has been now about 2 years that i don't stream anymore and even though there's a telegram group we all share, it feels like it got cold over time. i don't feel really near to anyone, in or outside this wonderful group of people. my interest in social networks (where my mutuals are) is also trending downwards, like there's a disconnection between me and whoever is in my circles, because i know if i disappeared tomorrow it wouldn't actually matter.
i crave close friendships.
> youtube
about ~20 years ago i fell in love with multimedia stuff, but more especially video, something i enjoyed doing even before youtube existed. through the years i tried to make kind of a career on it, working to get better and find my "something": my style, my vibe, my unique spice. spoiler: never found it.
that caused an spiral where i worked harder on making something special, like i always wanted, following the path of people i idolised, but turning video into some kind of chore where if i didn't make my best and most important video to date it wouldn't matter.
i think nowadays i've come in peace with this and watch video production with another eyes, realizing i'll never go anywhere. call it disillusion if you want, you're most probably right.
> programming
after i got unemployeed i tried to work on a bluesky client, learning new stuff through and adding something worthy to my resume, but after months hyperfocusing it just feels like an amateur piece of shit. anything i would try to code afterwards would be the same.
my last project has been making hugo themes with the hope to make a few bucks while i'm unemployeed helping any artist that needs a website to showcase their work, prices and links to find them... but guess what, i'm nobody online and soon i realized it would go nowhere again.
> money money money
after getting my bike license and buying said bike, there's only more and more spendings. rent is close to 700€, add 150€ for the rest of (regular) bills. now add if any month we gotta get an air conditioner, a new coffee machine, a few visits to the dentist, etc, and there's little to save.
all these months i've been holding myself in making any fancy or impulse spending, thinking throughly if i really needed this or that, and feeling bad if i got something i needed anyway (even asked my bf to not get me anything for my birthday), because at this pace we won't ever save enough to get our own home. and housing keeps going up, groceries keep going up, everything else keeps going up.
all i can feel right now is alone, poor, worthless, a total failure and that life is really not worth it. i guess quarter-life crisis is back in the menu.