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I need to start this entry stating that this isn’t by any means finger-pointing my closest friends and mutuals, but the only way I can find to vent about this topic that I’ve been through all my life.

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I might have written about this before, but for some reason right now is one of the moments when I’m feeling it the most— and it sucks. All my life I’ve had many different hobbies and passions: call it video production, Formula 1, certain videogame series or even music tastes; but without trying to be the hipsterish lone wolf, I’ve always seen myself alone in my appreciation to them.

Already in my childhood I was known as the nerd kid because of my wide knowledge of computers —at those days and age, that is— by mere inheritance of my father, who funnily enough I share a good bunch of traits with. He was a computer and electronics enthusiast and of course, that’s the reason I soaked up so much information about how these things worked. Another point is that he salvaged an office PC from the trash, so I ended up with a PC of my own by the age of 4 (…in 1997!).

Another reason it was common to make fun of me in school was my love for Formula 1. Call it neurodivergence (it totally was my neurodivergence), but I was completely obsessed with Formula 1. Okay, I still am; but you know how kids are, and I never bothered to hide how much of a fan I was of Ferrari and Michael Schumacher. A few years later it would be more widely known as a sport in Spain thanks to Fernando Alonso, but still, nobody I knew really liked it and everyone I did hear to talk about seemed more like armchair referees.

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Later on F1 highlight edits (how surprising) sparked my passion for video editing, even before that YouTube was a thing. Do you remember when you had to download videos as a file to watch them before streaming was a thing? Because I do. Sometimes they were WMV (Windows Media Video), but most times they were AVI/DivX. Anyway— of course, there was no way to share them, so I kept it all to myself. At least until YouTube appeared and I made a few humoristic videos of a classmate and they became somewhat popular.

Ironically, it was a CoD4 montage creator and his later incursion on IRL video production what inspired me to push harder in this regard. The guy was Johannes Greve Muskat, also known as joehands0me¹, and the third member of the electronic pop band Lemaitre. My dude died in 2019 and it still hurts, he has been a huge influence in my creative life and still is. All this derived in your gal starting her whole journey on YouTube: From gaming vids, to dubs, to highly joe-inspired vlogs, to whatever new artistic branch that catches my attention.

Fast forward to current day and not happy with all that experience, I get hyperfocused enough to start making music mashups² for almost 3 years now— learning in the process about music theory, chord progressions, and mixing to a point I never imagined, if I’m totally sincere.

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Yet little it matters if there’s actually no one to show or talk about those things. I’ve never had a group of friends I shared interests with in a deeper way, much less felt part of a group of people that made or enjoyed them. Again, it’s not that I didn’t want, and it’s frustrating as heck. One reason I can think of is that maybe I’m not focused enough on that thing…? Because there must be a reason, for fuck’s sake. Very often you notice online circles with people dedicated to music, to video, to that specific hobby that interact with each other, yet I never could or knew how to do that.

All can I do is throw my stuff to the void (or YouTube, which is The Void™️ with extra steps) or bother my mutuals with it. Mutuals that more often than not don’t really care that much because they are not into those kind of things and all they can do is say “that’s cool” and move on with their days. As much as I appreciate them, at the end of the day there’s no valuable feedback, no conversations about shared pains and no thrown tips about how this or that could be improved. And what the hell, even if they actually know about some specific craft like music I’m so much behind them skill-wise that I still feel I’m bothering them and claiming their attention pointlessly.

I love what I do, I love it to death. But I’m alone and never knew how to fix that.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Footnotes

1. This is a reupload, as he sadly hid all his CoD4 videos (and many other practice footage) after he started getting serious on video production with Lemaitre. ↩

2. Music mashups are mixes that involve putting together different components of a song, like for example (but not limited to) the instrumental of one with the vocals from another. ↩