why i joined bearblog (audhd struggles)
there are a few reasons why i joined bearblog, but one of them is... kind of a therapeutic one?
as someone with the great combo of audhd + lifelong deep issues, one of the things i struggle the most is externalizing my own issues. it's not that i'm afraid of telling them, but as time passed i noticed i gained nothing by traumadumping other people. my issue is still there and i don't feel any better after telling it to someone else, so in the end i only lose both of us' time and even feel kinda worse because you had to bear with me telling all that stuff that you don't really care about. and i mentioned audhd because most probably it has to be with my pragmatic approach to everything in existence.
i noticed i stopped bothering people with my issues 90% of the time, and want it or not it builds up inside of me, making me a bit colder and even more distant with people i love. in the long run it makes you feel alone under a self-imposed armor that gets thicker everyday.
so at least here i can ramble about them without feeling i'm bothering anyone. it's a way to unburden that weight inside my chest.
it doesn't help that never in my life i ever felt like i connected especially well with anybody (and those whom i reached that point ended up hurting me). i am a person with many interests and some of them are quite strong (surprising, i know!) but many are so damn niche that i feel extremely isolated even between frens.
for example, since i was a kid i've been a huge formula 1 fan; one of my first living memories was watching the starting grid on the couch with my dad. i barely remember michael schumacher driving for benetton, so it must have been 1995 at most: i was two years old then. it has been tradition in my family since forever to get together on sundays (as it's usual with spanish families) and watch those guys race while having dinner.
however, never had any actual people to share this passion. at school it was a meme being both a ferrari fanatic and a computer nerd. though i can't blame them, i had my own 486 at 4yo and i've been stuck in front of a monitor since then. but never could help but feeling lonely. even today, the meme is still alive: last year some friends spent a few days at home and when kidding about the topic, they decided to test me:
"okay, so who won at barcelona '96?"
schumacher.
"and at the '99 british gp?"
most probably hakkinen or coulthard.
"what happened at spa francorchamps '03?"
they didn't race at spa in 2003 because the circuit was being remodeled.
you get the idea.
they laughed and gotta admit it was real fun, but that's the most i can contribute to a casual conversation: being funny by being an absolute nerd. that's where the socialization with my interests finishes, because there's no one that really cares about it either. not even my SO.
and it lowkey hurts, because not just i can't share much with him without feeling a total hassle (and ofc i won't force him to have interest in anything that he doesn't like or care) but on the other hand i try to at least interact in some capacity with his interests and it doesn't feel reciprocate.
he's also a nerd, but about dinosaurs and overall animals. he likes lord of the rings, kingdom hearts and art (drawing) stuff and i ranged from indifference to right away hating some of those topics (i despise medieval fantasy, but especially lotr). still, i watched with him both trilogies (lotr and the hobbit) because it felt special to share with him what he loves and watching him enjoy those moments. yet, most times he refuses to reciprocate with my own interests.
i don't want so sound harsh, he's a total sunshine and i love him more than my own life, i only told this to explain my feeling of loneliness in relation to this.
thank you for reading me still, bearblog. ♡